


She Was Never Mine to Lose

by sailortsuki



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Gay Feelings, Internalized Homophobia, Momo-centric, One-Sided Attraction, Queer Character, detective mina, kind of???????? ???, momo likes girls but she doesnt like it :((((, mother figure jihyo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-26 16:30:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12561504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailortsuki/pseuds/sailortsuki
Summary: “I love you too.”She has to accept that she’ll never be able to say it in the way she wants to.(Momo loves Nayeon, but Momo can't love girls.)





	She Was Never Mine to Lose

**Author's Note:**

> Based in TT era. <3

Nayeon’s laugh echoed around the practice room, along with some other girls’. She covered her mouth with her hand, attempting to hide the wide open grin that stretched on her lips. Maybe it was the light, but did Momo see a glimpse of a tear in her eye? Oh my god, that’s so cute, she couldn’t believe she was laughing this hard at Dahyun’s impression of JYP. Could Momo do impressions? If Momo practiced hard enough maybe she’d be able to hear Nayeon’s cute snort laugh that she does—

“Momo, I swear, I’ll send you back to Japan myself if you don’t listen—”

“Huh?” Momo quickly whips her head around, staring at Jihyo.

Jihyo rolled her eyes, a small smile tugging at her lips. She knocked her knee against Momo’s. “You’re staring again.”

Momo’s eyes widened. She snagged her water bottle and quickly knocked it back, fighting down a flush as Jihyo snickered. That traitor.

“I thought you were keeping this on the down low,” Jihyo said quietly, loyal enough to keep her voice down. 

“Obviously,” Momo bit out a mumble, “I just…”

“Can’t help it?” Jihyo finished for her. 

Momo sighed, her answer clear. Jihyo had been quoting Momo from when she confessed her inner turmoil to the leader. With a big crush and a comeback right around the corner, she knew she couldn’t keep it all to herself, no matter how desperately she had tried to.

A week before the TT music video had dropped,  Momo had asked Jihyo to stay back while the rest went ahead, making up an excuse of wanting extra vocal help. There in the studio, Momo spilt her guts. With how nervous she was, that sentence almost became literal. 

Being the leader she was, Jihyo lent an ear and a shoulder as Momo cracked under the stress of liking girls and hating it. She talked about being fourteen and hating her first kiss with a boy. And Jihyo didn’t even blink when Momo got into her sexuality crisis at sixteen after filling in for a male role with a female partner; how nice it felt to hold her and how her hips rolled to the beat and oh Jihyo do you think Nayeon needs a dance partner?

Momo wasn’t a main dancer for nothing.

Suddenly, she was ripped out of her thoughts, loud hands clapping next to her ear. 

“Good practice, guys,” Jihyo clapped, “We should really get some rest, we have a stage next week, and if someone gets injured we’ll be taking our song too literally.”

Sana and Jeongyeon did an overdramatic TT pose, eliciting more laughter from the team. 

Momo didn’t dare look over at Nayeon, who laughed the loudest, the brightest. She kept her eyes to the floor and mulled over Jihyo’s words. 

_ Taking our song too literally,  _ Momo replayed in her mind.  _ Too late. _

 

_ (You don’t know how I feel, _

_ You’re so mean! You’re so mean!)  _

 

* * *

 

 

Once back at the dorms, the girls quickly retreated to their rooms, exhaustion settling in. Momo was tired too, but in the end she ended up feigning sleep for twenty minutes before quietly getting up and entering the living area.

When she walked in, she noticed Nayeon too late and now she couldn’t leave, the older girl giving a tired smile that somehow still shone. 

“Momo-ah,” Nayeon said, setting down her phone, “Are you having trouble sleeping too?”

Momo nodded, letting out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I guess I’m just nervous. You too?”

Nayeon hummed, letting her head fall back onto the couch. She peeked an eye open and patted the seat next to her, and Momo commanded her jelly-knees to move. 

She ended up sitting at the end of the couch, resting her feet on Nayeon’s lap. She didn’t mind, dropping her hands on Momo’s ankles.

Momo drew in a quiet breath, trying not to jerk her legs away at the physical contact. She wanted to laugh bitterly at herself. Why couldn’t she just relax? She hated this familiar feeling; cold discomfort that crept over her chest and doused her like icy water. This is  _ not _ why she liked girls.

The feeling got bigger, and Momo distracted herself.

“Do you think this comeback will be a success?” Momo blurted out, “I mean, I wonder if it’ll be as good as Cheer Up, with everybody doing the ‘Shy, shy, shy’ aegyo.”

Nayeon giggled. “I don’t think Sana can handle that kind of attention again,” She said, “But TT’s pretty catchy. I know this because I can’t get it out of my damn head.”

Momo gave her a shaky smile. “I don’t even notice it anymore.”

Nayeon groaned, rolling Momo’s feet back and forth. “Momo-ah, please teach me your ways,” She pouted.

Momo’s smile faltered, the feeling coming back. She forced out a laugh. She pulled her legs back, out of Nayeon’s reach, and wrapped her arms around her knees. 

Momo kept her gaze to her feet, but she noticed Nayeon’s hand hover in mid-air before slowly dropping to her thighs. Uncomfortable silence fell over them. 

Momo’s heart was as heavy as lead, and she hated herself for ruining everything. 

_ Why can’t you just act normal, why can’t you just relax? You’re so embarrassing. You’re so obvious. She doesn’t like you. Why would she? Why are you special? _

She flicked her eyes up at Nayeon. She was biting her lip, gently pulling it back with her teeth before releasing it, staining it pink. 

Momo’s chest took a drastic turn, changing from icy cold to a hot churning in seconds. 

_ Stop swooning.  _

Her stomach dropped.

_ Stop being gross.  _

It was Momo’s turn to bite her lip. 

_ She doesn’t even like girls.  _

Nayeon looked up, meeting Momo’s gaze.

_ Why are you so creepy?  _

Momo’s resolve shattered like glass, and she quickly pushed herself off the couch. Her legs were shaking so bad she almost fell backwards.

“I—I think I’m going to bed now,” Momo said, voice cracking, “Sleep well.”

She walked out of the room, not sticking around for Nayeon’s answer. But before she left, she heard Nayeon get up.

She never called out for her. 

 

* * *

 

 

A week had passed, and Momo refused to face her problems. She ignored Nayeon, her heart wrenching to do so, but she’d do anything to stop that  _ feeling.  _ Their stage was tomorrow, and their practices went on relatively normal. For everybody that wasn’t stuck in the closet, that is. 

Rehearsing choreography was always a little emotionally straining for Momo, having Nayeon dead in the center for many parts, but after that night, it was almost torturous. Momo stared at Nayeon so intensely in the mirror, she almost started dancing her parts.

Nayeon acted nothing out of the ordinary, so it was safe to assume that Momo was just being weird again. Weird Momo who got her hopes so high, they came crashing down like a tower built on stilts.

_ Did you really think she felt the same way? Even for a moment? _

Momo looked at herself in the mirror for once, ripping her eyes off Nayeon.

_ Idiot. _

Momo wasn’t a stranger to liking straight girls. In fact, almost all of her infatuations were exclusively on them. In her defense, she spent three fourths of her life not knowing her intentions lied within romance. But long gone was fourteen year old Momo who pushed that thought back into her mind; she was twenty years old and her feelings for Nayeon couldn’t be written off as admiration, nor a “girl crush”. 

She couldn’t deny, though; it still hurt to know her feelings would never be reciprocated. Twenty or not, Momo wasn’t any stronger than she was 6 years ago. Liking straight girls was a stab in the chest, and a wound couldn’t close and heal if it kept being reopened.

They finished multiple run throughs of the dance and decided to take their break. Momo needed a distraction, so she walked over to Mina and Sana, completing the Japanese trifecta. 

Sana grinned at her, lightly fanning herself. Mina stretched on the floor, her legs split open, flexible from all her ballet training.

“Momo-chan,” Sana smiled, reverting to their first language, “Working hard?”

“You doubt the main dancer?” Momo teasingly asked, reaching out to tug Sana’s ponytail. Sana yelped, smacking her hand away, 

“If the main dancer is working  _ too _ hard,” Mina spoke up from the floor, “My parents sent me a bottle of sake as a comeback gift,” She smiled innocently, her eyes giving away her true intentions. 

Sana let out an impressed “Oooh,” as Momo’s jaw dropped open.

“Are you suggesting we get drunk the night before a stage?” Momo asked incredulously. 

Mina shrugged. “Not drunk, but loose?” She suggested. “It’d be easy to hide.”

Momo thought about it. The three of them  _ did _ share a room in the dorm. It would be ridiculously easy. She still wasn’t convinced, however. 

She opened her mouth, ready to protest again when Nayeon’s laugh rang around the room, just like yesterday. She promptly closed her mouth. 

“Why the hell not,” Momo relented. Sana silently cheered and Mina grinned. 

Momo’s made worse decisions. More importantly, she’s made worse decisions because of straight girls. 

 

* * *

 

“She wouldn’t stop staring at Yugyeom,” Sana giggled hysterically, ignoring Mina half-heartedly trying to shush her, “And after their speech, I told her that I thought she’d be more interested in Bambam, and her face went so red that their leader gave her a funny look while they were walking back.” 

Momo snickered as Mina pouted. “Tzuyu’s just a lonely maknae,” Mina cooed, “Let her be a seventeen year old.”

The bottle of Mina’s gifted sake was a celebration size, and they only got through half of it before the hum kicked up into a buzz. But it wouldn’t matter anyways; they spent these nights together to find solace in each other, alcohol or no, finding familiarity and comfort in their Japanese. Momo felt grateful each and every day that she was scouted and brought to Korea, but there were times where she realized how scary it is to be completely immersed in a country that was her second language. But at two in the morning, sipping sake, they all felt right at home. 

Sana frowned. “I guess at seventeen, she’d want a boyfriend more than some of us, wouldn’t she?” She wondered, “Tzuyu’s never striked me as date-crazy, you know?”

“She has yet to graduate,” Mina pointed out. “She doesn’t have the time. And if she did, imagine how it’d go over with the company; just like we said, she’s seventeen.”

Sana hummed, nodding her head. She turned to Momo, who stayed quiet when she understood where the conversation was going. 

“Momo-chan, you’ve had a boyfriend before, right?”

Momo opened her mouth, but she felt nothing but a croak in her throat. She recalled the quick lie she blurted out when asked about her relationship history. She regretted it now, the lie making her insides squirm. 

“Yeah…” She slowly replied, “Before I was a trainee.”

Sana said nothing, bobbing her head up and down once again. She switched over to Mina.

Who was studying her with a strange look on her face.

“What about Mina?” Sana questioned.

Mina slowly shifted her gaze over to Sana, her expression turning light. “Never had time.” She smiled.

Sana took this answer just as well, taking another sip from the bottle. “Neither have I.” She answered her own question. 

Momo absently nodded, desperately ignoring Mina’s gaze, which was back to burning a hole into the side of her head.

Sana was gazing around the room, when her phone lit up. She picked it up, reading the notification before sounding a noise of delight.

“Amazing,” She said, “They’re actually having a live right now.” She turned her phone around to show them the low quality image of two GOT7 members. Bambam and Mark, Momo recalled.

Mina tore her gaze off of Momo to mimic Sana’s surprise. 

“Say something,” She said. They huddled around the phone, figuring out what to comment. 

Momo followed suit. The male idols from their company were plenty handsome, and for the millionth time she wished she could relate to the thrilled female fans who expressed words of love and want in the comment section. No matter how hard she tried, she always longed to watch the softer features and more delicate beauty that only girls had.

_ Girls _ , Momo emphasized in her mind, swallowing hard,  _ because she  _ wasn’t  _ thinking about one in particular.     _

 

* * *

 

An hour later, the broadcast ended, and Sana had clocked out almost immediately. She fell back onto the floor, snoring gently. Mina grabbed Sana’s blankets off her bed and gently pulled them over their groupmate. 

The uneasy feeling that Momo was  _ really _ getting tired of began creeping up the back of her neck once again. She still had no idea why Mina was looking at her like that earlier and she  _ really _ didn’t want to stay up to find out, and her mind was jumping to the only possible reason Mina reacted like that.

But as Momo turned to say goodnight, she found her with the same expression, and with Sana out like a light, she had a feeling she wouldn’t be so easily distracted this time. Momo decided to bite the bullet. 

“What’s up, Mina?” She asked, feigning nonchalance.    

Mina straightened up, obviously ready to fire her questions at Momo. She cleared her throat, opened her mouth…

Momo cast her eyes to the ground.

…but she doesn’t speak.

Hesitating, Momo lifts her gaze back up at her. Mina’s mouth had closed halfway, as if silently rehearsing her interrogation. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and the small fire in her eyes had burnt out to reveal something like…concern. 

“Mina?” Momo asked, her voice as small as she felt.

Mina closed her mouth. She got up, walked over to her bed, and delicately sat on the edge.

“You know,” She finally starts. “Sana and I never had the time for a boyfriend, but we have each other. We all do. Have each other, I mean.” She shook her head lightly. “Always understand that.”

Mina leans over to her nightstand to turn off her lamp, leaving Momo sat cross legged in the darkness of the room.

 

* * *

The next day, the three girls were trudging out of their rooms with light headaches and dry throats. Jihyo, a prepared leader who’s been showered and dressed an hour earlier, gave them hard looks at the obvious signs of light hangovers. 

“I’ve talked to you guys about this before,” Jihyo berated, her voice stern and cold. “You can’t be messing around the night before a live performance!”

Momo could feel all three of them wince with guilt. Jihyo already receives criticism as a leader, and they weren’t showcasing her best abilities as her teammates.

“Sorry, unnie,” Sana sighs, hanging her head. 

“Sana and I dragged Momo into it,” Mina quickly interjected. “It wasn’t her idea.”

Jihyo’s resolve was tough, but it waned easily. Jihyo’s eyes swept over each of them, scrutinizing their expressions. Eventually, her posture relaxed and she let out a loud sigh.

“We’ll talk more about this some other time,” Jihyo said, her tone final. “But in the meantime, Sana and Mina can go wash the dishes from breakfast.”

The two girls pouted before going off to the kitchen, Sana quietly hissing “They already had breakfast?”.

Now Momo was left alone in the hallway with Jihyo. Momo looked back at her and gave a sheepish smile. Jihyo sighed once more, and started to walk past Momo before she put her hand on her shoulder and leaned in.

“I don’t blame you,” She whispered. “Because from what I’ve heard, you needed it.”

Momo’s eyes widened as Jihyo pulled back to see her expression. Jihyo’s face was nothing short of sympathetic. It made Momo shaky and sick. 

“Wh-what do you mean,” She stuttered.

Jihyo’s lips quirked down into a frown. She looked around before turning back to Momo. “Nayeon mentioned that you’ve been acting a bit strange recently. But everyone else said that you seemed fine. So now Nayeon’s worried that something’s wrong with you two,” She said. “Of course, I knew better.”

Momo stared at Jihyo before looking away, licking at her lips. It was just her luck that Nayeon thought she was mad at her. But at least it’d keep her away from Momo. She didn’t think she’d have the strength to deal with her today.

She took a deep, shaky breath.

“So,” Momo started, refusing to meet her leader’s eyes. “Do I get a free pass for last night?”

Jihyo looked at her, obviously wanting to say more, but luckily getting the message that Momo just  _ couldn’t  _ right now.

“Yeah,” Jihyo finally said. “Go shower. You need it.”

She walked back to the dining room, and Momo was alone.

 

* * *

 

Momo fiddled with her earpiece, pre-stage nerves messing with her mind. She glanced into a nearby mirror, quickly brushing down her bangs. She stared into the mirror a little longer, quietly lost in her thoughts. Loud chatter brought her out of her mind, turning around to find a trio of her members.

“Momo, we have twenty minutes,” Jeongyeon called out to her. Momo smiled and threw her a thumbs up, walking over to them. 

“I can’t wait ‘till we’re done,” Chaeyoung sighed. “I’m so tired.”

“But then next week we have a variety show,” Mina reminded her. “It’s not like we’re on break or anything.”

“Unnie*,” Chaeyoung started. “Please let me have a reason to go on.”

Momo zoned out once more, her teammate’s bickering blurring into the background. Hearing another familiar giggle, she whipped her head around until her eyes landed on the rest of twice coming towards them.

The giggle had come from Nayeon herself, deep in conversation with Dahyun. Not surprising, since Dahyun is hilarious. And…everyone laughs at her jokes. Not just Nayeon.  

Momo has some trouble ripping her eyes off the two, turning back to her other members. She can feel Mina’s gaze on her, but she’d rather trip live on stage than meet her eyes.

Jihyo calls everyone over and rounds them all up.

“Is everyone feeling okay?” She asked, looking around at all of them. She’s met with resounding affirmations, whether it’s the truth or not. 

“I hate these shoes, though,” Chaeyoung complained. “Dancing in them will be a nightmare.”

Momo sees Sana freeze from across the group, and she whips her head down to her feet. A disbelieving whine leaves her mouth. 

“I can’t believe it,” Sana whined. “I forgot my shoes in the dressing room.”

Jihyo’s tired sigh is drowned out by Dahyun, Chaeyoung and Jeongyeon’s boisterous laughter and Sana’s cries of indignation. 

“It’s okay, you were probably just frazzled,” Momo tries to comfort her friend. “I’ll come with you to get them.”

Sana smiles. “Okay!” She turns to their leader. “Sorry, Jihyo, I’ll be one second—"

She’s interrupted by one of the stylists. They explained how they had to change Sana’s hairstyle for the stage.

Sana tried to gently push them away. “Ah, yes, of course, but I need—,"

“It’s okay, Sana,” Nayeon began. “I’ll go get them with Momo. Do you remember where you put them?”

Momo didn’t hear where Sana had left her shoes, the thump of her heart and the roar of blood in her ears drowning out everything the younger girl was saying. She hoped Nayeon was listening.

Nayeon.

“Alright, we’ll be right back,” Nayeon grinned. “Come on Momo.”

Momo barely had time to remember how to move her feet before Nayeon was looping her arm around hers and steering them towards the direction of the dressing rooms. 

Despite Nayeon’s cheerfulness around the group, their walk along the halls was quiet and tense, Momo always a slight step behind. She stared at the back of Nayeon’s head with fear and hot, flushed cheeks. The weight in her chest seemed all the heavier with every second that passed.

They quickly reached their dressing rooms, and Momo immediately set out to find Sana’s shoes, looking near Sana’s bag as she had directed. They were easy to spot, and she crouched down to swipe them, mission completed. She didn’t know what Nayeon’s deal was, but she didn’t want to stick around and find out.

Momo’s plan to get in and out was quickly foiled when she heard the door shut with a soft click. She turned around, and almost dropped the shoes.

Nayeon was staring at her with intensity aflame in her eyes. It felt like she could completely see through Momo, could see every single one of her secrets, and that cold, nauseating feeling was pounding at her chest.

“…Unnie,” Momo broke the silence, her voice forced out by sheer will. “Is everything okay?”

Nayeon didn’t beat around any bush. 

“Are you upset with me?” Nayeon demanded. Now, she had lost a bit of her flame, her eyes cooling down and lips pulling down into a pout. “Everyone says you’ve been acting fine, but I can’t seem to just,” She waved her hands around the air. “Talk to you. It’s like, you won’t let me.”

Momo felt her heart squirm and thrash, the reality of her actions finally reaching her. Momo and Jihyo were the only ones who knew about her feelings for Nayeon. But to their oldest member, she and Momo were friends, nothing more. While Momo was running away from Nayeon to give herself space, Nayeon was hurt because she was  _ running away from Nayeon _ .

“I’m…” 

“Like, if you’re mad at me, just tell me what I did wrong!” Nayeon cut her off, pacing around the room. “I get that I can be kind of mean sometimes, but I don’t mean to hurt you, I just—”

“Unnie!”

Nayeon stopped in her tracks, looking at Momo as if she had forgotten she was there. Knowing her, she probably did. 

Momo sighed. She didn’t know how to explain this, and she knew Nayeon wouldn’t believe any half-assed excuse.

“I’m sorry,” She began. “It wasn’t you. It’s never you. But…”  _ I can’t say any more. _

“Then what?” Nayeon fired back. “Are you just kind of sick of me? Because that’s okay I’ve dealt with that before; you have no idea how many times Jihyo’s ignored me for the whole day because I was so annoying—”

Momo wants to pull her by the collar and push their lips together so sweetly, just to shut her up. Just to get her to stop attacking herself, and make her see a little bit of what Momo sees on an everyday basis. What she has seen for the past couple of years. 

And so, lost in her desperate haze, unable to ignore such a want, Momo stumbles forward until she’s right in front of Nayeon, and it’s like time slowed down half its pace.

Nayeon cut herself short, surprised by Momo’s movement. 

Their eyes are each other’s view, Nayeon’s eyes wide and cautious, staring at Momo. She could only imagine what Nayeon could see in her eyes, and that thought was terrifying. 

Their lips were so close, Momo could feel Nayeon’s hot breath hitting her chin.

She could do it. She could close the gap right now. 

But she won’t. 

She  _ can’t _ .

Repressing the urge to jerk away from Nayeon as if she was aflame, she took a shaky step backwards and raised her arms up to grip Nayeon’s biceps. She’d kill to break their gaze, but Nayeon will see through her right away, and know that there was something much bigger underneath the surface.

Momo couldn’t let that happen.

“I was avoiding you because…” She tentatively started. “I look up to you.”

Nayeon’s forehead scrunched up. Her lips parted in confusion, revealing her adorable bunny teeth. Momo swallowed. She crossed her arms tightly.

‘’I’ve been really nervous for this comeback, and I was avoiding you because I didn’t want you to see how much of a mess I’ve been recently,” Momo lied. “When I’m stressed, I get hypersensitive around other people, but it just got really bad around you,” She hung her head, shame making hot tears prick the back of her eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Unnie,” She choked out. “I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”

_ I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. _

Tears spilled downwards, and Momo watched with blurry vision as they splattered by her feet. 

Suddenly, arms enveloped her shaking shoulders in a tight embrace. She gently lay her forehead against Nayeon’s shoulder, hugging her back just as tightly.

“Momo,” Nayeon whispered. “I’d never judge you.  _ I  _ look up to  _ you _ . We’re all nervous for this comeback, but we need to support each other if we want to make it the best one yet.”

Her words were warm and so lovely, and Momo just wanted to accept them and let her voice fix all her problems with a single sentence. Her tears slowed down to a single trickle down her cheek, her breathing slowing down.

“You are such an important person to Twice and to  _ me _ . I’d never judge you. Not for  _ anything _ ,” Nayeon continued, petting Momo’s hair. “I love you.”

Momo felt a sob rise up her chest, but she choked it back down, her heart hurting like she never imagined. 

“I love you too.” She whispered.

Now, she has to accept that she’ll never be able to say it in the way she wants to.  

Nayeon smiled at her through her own tears, threatening to spill out. 

“I’m sorry, Momo.” She apologized. “For everything. Including your makeup,” She smiled sheepishly. “Let’s fix it before we go back out. The makeup artists will kill us.”

Momo nodded, unable to break her daze of heartbreak. She allowed Nayeon to pull her to the chairs in front of the vanities and sit her down. 

Momo stared at her reflection in the mirror as Nayeon grabbed a makeup wipe and dabbed at Momo’s under eyes. Other than her red eyes and nose, and stained cheeks, she looks normal. 

She  _ looks _ normal.

She broke her gaze with the mirror, looking down at her lap.

She felt a soft patting of a foundation cushion on her cheek. She looked up at Nayeon. 

Nayeon looked away from her soft patting motions on her cheek, feeling Momo’s eyes on her. She smiled warmly.

“You know,” Nayeon started. “I always used to worry about my future as an idol as a trainee. Like I’m sure you did too. I always worried if I’d like members. You always see girl groups so close with each other, but nobody really knows what goes on behind the cameras, you know?”

Momo said nothing, listening to her every word. 

“And I’m so happy,” Nayeon continued, her smile so big her eyes almost crinkle shut. “Because I was put in a group with some of the most beautiful, talented girls I could ask for. Friends who became sisters.”

The sting should come again. The girl she loves saying how much she loves her as a friend. A  _ sister _ .

But Momo kept staring. 

“These feelings are so special, and we’re so lucky to be able to have them,” Nayeon said, taking an eyeshadow brush to her lower lashline. “Don’t regret any feelings in your life. Ever. You have such beautiful feelings, Momo. Even when you’re sad, you may look ugly when you cry, but that just shows how real you express yourself.”

Momo laughed, admitting to herself the truth in the statement. But the laugh died down.

_ Don’t regret any feelings in your life. _

“What if I feel regret?” Momo blurted out, talking too quick to catch her words in her throat and lock them up.

“Especially don’t regret  _ regret _ ,” Nayeon emphasized. “Hearts can’t be controlled.”

Nayeon turned back to the mirror, standing behind Momo to show off her work. No traces of crying were found in her makeup, and any running mascara became smudged and somewhat on purpose. 

Momo looked above her in the mirror, looking at Nayeon, illuminated by the vanity lights. Her eyes were so alight, and her bunny-like teeth peeked cutely through her lips.

She was gorgeous. And there was no way Momo could avoid it. 

Nayeon met her eyes through the mirror.

_ She doesn’t even like girls. _

She smiled wide, and Momo smiled back, tears prickling the back of her eyes once more. 

Happy tears. Grateful tears.

_ But hearts can’t be controlled. _

 

* * *

 

They arrived back to the stage entrance with few minutes to spare, Sana crying out in relief as they finally came back with her shoes.

Jihyo berated them, of course, and the two reunited girls apologized for making her worry.

But seconds before they went on, Momo grabbed Jihyo’s hand and squeezed it so tight her leader winced. 

“Momo?” Jihyo questioned.

Momo looked back and gave her a shaky smile.

“I think I can move on.”

Jihyo stared at her. Slowly, she nodded, her lips pulling into a stronger smile, as if smiling for the both of them. She squeezed her hand back, just as tightly as Momo.

They were ushered on stage, and the cameras started rolling.

_ (Think I’m all grown up now.) _

 

* * *

 

Nayeon didn’t like girls, and that was okay. Momo did, and she’s learning how to deal with it.

Interactions with Nayeon still leave Momo with a kind of breathless feeling, but there’s no longer this heavy lock on her chest with a lost key. Now that she’s not so focused on her feelings with her unnie, she’s noticing how much fun they have. Jihyo’s noticed too, and she approves, now that Momo’s stopped daydreaming during practice now. At least not about Nayeon.  

Nayeon didn’t like girls, and that was okay. Momo did, and she’s okay with it. Or at least, she’s trying. 

But in the meantime, she’s taking small steps.

Momo stared at the magazine in her hands. Her palms were so sweaty she feared she’d drop it in the toilet. She looked up at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, her chest heavy and stomach knotted.

“It’s okay,” She whispered to herself. “Hearts can’t be controlled. Don’t regret any of your feelings.”

She dragged her gaze to the magazine once more. The faces of the girls of Red Velvet covered the front page, given an entire shoot and article inside.

She lifted her head up and hugged the magazine to her chest. With a final look in the mirror, she opened the door and went to the living room.

Mina, Sana, Jeongyeon, and Dahyun were sitting together, lazily flicking through channels. Days with no schedule at all came by rarely, and they were making the most of it by moving as little as possible.

Momo walked in as casually as she could, dropping to the ground and sitting next to Jeongyeon, who was sitting in between Dahyun’s legs. She was attempting to get all of Jeongyeon’s short hair into a single braid, but no progress seems to have been made. Mina and Sana were leaning against each other, looking especially bored.

Momo cleared her throat. 

“Red Velvet came out with a spread this week,” Momo started, tossing the issue to the floor. “It looks…really good.”

Jeongyeon grabbed the magazine from the floor, flipping it open to a random page. 

“Oh, this is so pretty!” She exclaimed. “I love Irene’s hair colour.”

“Irene always has such nice hair colours,” Dahyun sighed.

“Y-yeah, um,” Momo stuttered, deciding there was no turning back now. “I like girls with dark hair. They're my, uh, favourite.” She continued, her voice growing smaller with each word.

It was a small step, but it meant something to Momo.

Momo could see Sana lean forward from her seat on the couch, but it looked like she was gently pushed back.

Dahyun hummed, but Momo didn’t know what to make of that. Jeongyeon flipped through more pages, reading the articles. She found a page on hairstyles, and she quickly showed Dahyun, who squealed excitedly and asked for them to switch places. Momo furrowed her eyebrows.

As Dahyun slid onto the floor and Jeongyeon sat on the couch, either leg on Dahyun’s sides, Mina spoke up.

“I think you’d look very cute together.” 

Momo looked over at her fellow Japanese teammate, heart jumping. Mina was smiling assuredly.

“Yeah,” Sana piped in. “But you’d look cute with anybody, Momo.”

Momo grinned softly, eyes sliding from Sana to Mina, who both had understanding gazes.

“Anyone?” She asked.

“Anyone.” Mina smiled. 

 

Momo likes girls, and she’s trying her best.  


End file.
